Does Homer Simpson Want to Kill Me?
I spend hours of my life listening to true-crime podcasts, watching documentaries, reading books chock full of dead bodies, and the most time writing about murder. In the case of my latest novel, Haven’t Killed in Years, the daughter of a notorious serial killer starts receiving body parts on her doorstep. And. . .I think it’s all starting to get to me.
The realization hit me yesterday while on a beautiful walk along a nature trail near my home. At one point, the serene and secluded trail intersects with the road and, for a moment, you must forgo your peace in order to not get run over while crossing. A small ask, but on this particular day, there was a utility truck with a man sitting inside parked where the trail meets the road. I must stress at this point that this man was minding his own business, looking at his phone, and clearly on a break from work. So, obviously he was parked there scouting his next victim.
Look, it’s important to be cognizant of your surroundings, especially a woman walking alone with headphones on. And it doesn’t help that there is currently a rumored serial killer on the loose in New England (13 bodies have been found in the region that are being labeled “mysterious”). But, there has to be some objectivity in my fears. Just because I rely on my imagination to put murderers on the page doesn’t mean I need to find them around every corner, or in this case, utility pole.
After this great realization, did I wake up with a more grounded perspective? No. I woke up wondering if statistically I could figure out the person in my town most likely to be a serial killer. Obviously, I’m all talk and have no desire to invade the privacy of 30,000 people, but I do love spreadsheets and statistics I can find from Googling in lieu of authentic research, so I started thinking of another mid-size town—Springfield, home of The Simpsons.
Random, I know, but I had to wonder, which resident of this fictional town is most likely to be a serial killer scouting me on my walk? Maybe the world needs this answer.
I am excluding Sideshow Bob who is already a confirmed serial killer, but I took the next top twenty greatest adult characters (per Cracked.com) and dove in.
Gender:
According to the University of Michigan, only 8.6% of known serial killers are female. For the purposes of this ridiculous exercise, I’m going to eliminate all of the female characters, which I should point out is a short list: Mrs. Krabappel, Marge Simpson, and her sisters, Patty and Selma (who are counted as one person).
Race:
According to serialkillerinfo.com (a website I’m sure we all frequent regularly), since 1990, 87.2% of serial killers in the United States were white or black. In the case of this character list, there is only one non-white character, problematic Apu Nahasapeemapetilon (who has since been written out of the show). That takes us down to 16 white guys/potential serial killers.
Age:
According to Business Insider, the average male serial killer makes his first kill at 27.5 years old. I don’t know how helpful that is to eliminating suspects, but I’m going to go ahead and cut Grampa Simpson (80s) and Mr. Burns (104). They are as old as time and if they had been killing all these years, it probably would have come up by now.
Occupation:
According to Psychology Today the top occupations of serial killers are aircraft machinist, shoemaker/repair person, automobile upholsterer, forestry worker, truck driver, warehouse manager, general laborer, hotel porter, gas station attendant, police/security, military personnel, religious official. I’m going to take some liberties here and whittle this list down and cut a bunch of people like Barney Gumble (unemployed alcoholic), Lionel Hutz (lawyer), Troy McClure (TV personality), Frank Scorpio (supervillain – that’s different), Comic Book Guy (self-explanatory).
Idiots:
According to common sense, in order to evade authorities long enough to meet the technical definition of a serial killer (three or more murders occurring at different times), you can’t be a complete numbskull. For that reason, I’m going to cut Homer Simpson and Chief Wiggum.
Writer’s prerogative:
I’m going to make four more cuts to whittle the list down to the final three. I’m cutting Frank Grimes because he appeared in one episode and died. I’m cutting Principal Skinner who suffers from PTSD from his time in Vietnam, and exhibits strong signs of genuine empathy and remorse. I’m cutting Waylan Smithers who is too obsessed/in love with his boss, Mr. Burns. I don’t see him having the time or energy to be killing people. He might kill Mr. Burns someday, but that won’t make him a serial killer. Lastly, I’m going to cut Moe Szyslak, who while afflicted by a violent temper and homicidal tendencies, is the type to keep an enemies list, not the type to stalk and kill random women.
This leaves the top three most-likely serial killers on The Simpsons, based on the completely scientific study I have performed. Ned Flanders, Groundskeeper Willie, and Superintendent Chalmers. I’m out of relevant statistics (if that wasn’t obvious in the last two sections) so I used the Simpsons Wiki page to extract a couple of details about each character that best fit the demographic of a serial killer.
Ned Flanders – As a child, Ned attended the University of Minnesota Spankalogical Protocal. It was eight months of spanking to train Ned to suppress anger. That does not seem great. Despite his moral Christian high ground, Ned has become increasingly hostile since the passing of his wife, with the suppressed anger leading to uncontrolled outbursts.
Groundskeeper Willie – He is the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler, which he does not deny, and he videotapes couples in cars as a hobby. Might be too on the nose.
Superintendent Chalmers – His father was a psychologist who put him through cruel psychological experiments, resulting in bursts of uncontrollable sobbing when revisited. Clearly, some trauma there. He’s also a doomsday prepper and conspiracy theorist.
Well, I’ve backed myself into a corner and have to make a decision. But as every woman knows, sometimes you just have to trust your gut. If someone is giving you the creeps, honor that, even if it is a sweet elderly woman. Maybe that was the lesson all along. If I close my eyes and picture myself walking along the trail, and one of these three men suddenly appears, who makes me the most uneasy? I’m sorry if he’s reading this, but I think the most likely person in Springfield to be a serial killer is Ned Flanders. I have to trust my gut.
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